My oldest son who is about to turn 15 asked me a question the other day that led to an interesting conversation with him. (At this point, I am just happy whenever he actually wants to talk with his mom.) I was in the kitchen fixing dinner and he was sitting at the counter working on homework. He casually asked, “Mom, if you could do anything over again, would you?” I was in the middle of the preparations and quickly said, “If you mean go back and redo a mistake, No”.
He said, “You mean there is nothing you would go back and redo.” I finally stopped and gave him my full attention. I said, “Yes, there are several things I would go back and redo, your birth and your brother’s birth because it was the first time I ever held each of you. I would also redo either the day I married your dad or the last day I spent with my mother.” He said, “No, I mean something you would redo because you messed up.” I told him that there were plenty of things that I did wrong, people that I hurt and things I was ashamed of but, nothing I would do over. I continued to explain that yes I would redo some of those hurtful things if I was absolutely guaranteed that I would end up in the same place I was today. I am happy with my life and thankful for all that I have. If I went back and changed some things, then I would not have learned and grown into the person I am today. Admitting that I still made mistakes and learned new things everyday was also a point I tried to make with my son.
He then asked, “would you change your MS?” That was a hard one to answer. I tried explaining that I did not know what the plan was now or where I might end the journey with MS but I was sure there was a purpose for it. I expected him to say more but he seemed at easy with my explanation. I could have gone on and told him that when you get to be my age your priorities are different and there is a point in your life that what others, except those closest to you, think about you does not matter in the same way as it did in High School. You become at peace with your body, your mind, and your life.
I will try to remember and all of you can kick me in my backside if I forget, I DO NOT WANT A DO-OVER where Multiple Scleroses is concerned. I will look back on this one day and remember the start of this newest adventure.